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When I went to college and became ill again, I decided that it was time for me to try something new.I turned to my paternal grandparents for advice, asking my grandmother about herbal treatments, nutrition, and lifestyle.Here is my suggestion for an alternative introduction:“My reticence regarding traditional medicine does not result from want of experience–indeed, I have spent so much time in hospitals during my life that I am all too familiar with traditional treatments.
Unfortunately, such knowledge did not come to my mother.
A few years after my medical epiphany, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease of unknown etiology.
Diagnosed with the same unknown autoimmune disease, my mother’s sisters found relief in acupuncture and yoga, but my mother turned to surgery to treat her pain.
Unfortunately, surgery could not ease her suffering, and my mother still experienced far more discomfort than her sisters.
Without denying the substantial benefits I have derived from my treatments, I nonetheless believe that the maintenance of health depends as much upon the promotion of wellness as it does upon the combating of disease.
This is a lesson I have learned from my paternal grandparents.My reticence regarding traditional medicine does not result from want of experience–indeed, I have spent so much time in hospitals during my life that I am all too familiar with traditional treatments.Born with various congenital defects, my life has been a blur of cardiac, thoracic, and gastrointestinal surgeries, and by the age of five, I was as familiar with taking medication as I was with eating cornflakes.In general, I maintained the basic structure of your paragraphs but made many changes at the sentence level.I rephrased some parts that sounded awkward, varied vocabulary, corrected spelling mistakes, adjusted sentence structure and punctuation, and shortened some of your passages.Since my mother raised me, her beliefs dictated my own health care treatments.We did not consider any alternative therapies to help with my childhood illnesses; all the relief I received came with a prescription.It is clear that you have experienced a great deal and that you have developed unique insights into health and illness.Despite the concern you expressed about your lack of experience with alternative treatments, I feel that you have something that is much more important–the insight and wisdom that will allow you to become a compassionate healer. The most important changes I made were tightening up your language, removing unnecessary passages, and restructuring your essay to improve its flow.Considerably older than my maternal grandparents, my father’s parents always seemed youthful and vigorous.They exercised regularly, ate a balanced diet, used alternative therapies, and had a great deal of joy in their lives.